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Sunday, November 19 2017 @ 06:59 AM AKST

My complaint about Nuisance Moose

Satire/HumorIf you've been following the news recently, you know that my prayers go out to everyone who was hurt by Nuisance Moose. However, you might not know that gloomy, sententious ungulates would be far more bearable if they didn't censor by caricature and preempt discussion by stereotype. Here's a quick review: I intend to look closely at Nuisance Moose's litanies to see what makes them so effectual at producing nothing but nuggets. I should expect to find—this is a guess that I currently lack sufficient knowledge to verify—that we must get people to sign a petition to limit Nuisance Moose's ability to cause trouble. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that on many issues, discussions with Nuisance Moose quickly turn into fights, and dialogues soon degenerate into name-calling. Well, there's a lot of truth in that cliche.

A Moose-Licked Car

People who know me know that I'm very observant. I can identify a jaundiced apostate ungulate merely by spotting certain turns of phrase, certain sentence constructions, certain ways of being. I can therefore definitely conclude that Nuisance Moose is the most jaundiced ungulate of them all and that by writing this letter, I am indisputably sticking my head far above the parapet. The big danger is that Nuisance Moose will retaliate against me. It'll most likely try to force me to be hanged and drawn and quartered and paraded through the streets in small, chopped-up little bits and thrown out into the fields where no clean animal will touch me although another possibility is that that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. "Thinking" is the key word in the previous sentence.

Nuisance Moose's satraps were recently seen painting pictures of unregenerate northern ungulate worlds inhabited by the worst kinds of stroppy loblollies there are. That's not a one-time accident or oversight. That's Nuisance Moose's policy. To borrow the immortal words of a certain, well-known authority figure, "We must be fearless in confronting Nuisance Moose's insipid herding." So far, this letter has merely identified the ways in which many lives have been lost to peridomesticism. Now, let me shift gears and start telling you about how those of us who are still sane, those of us who still have a firm grip on reality, those of us who still suspect that Nuisance Moose is a wee bit overzealous in its defense of surburbanation, have an obligation to do more than just observe what Nuisance Moose is doing from a safe distance. We have an obligation to reveal the truth about Nuisance Moose's propositions. We have an obligation to put it on notice for its attempts to make nearby communities victims of environmental degradation and toxic waste dumping. And we have an obligation to deal summarily with perverted, stolid common blood-stained criminal moose.

What do you think of this: Nuisance Moose represents the most inferior form of northern ungulate evolution? If it were true, as Nuisance Moose claims, that elected national governments are not accountable to their own people, then I wouldn't be saying that Nuisance Moose craves more power to browse willow. I say we should give it more power—preferably, 10,000 acres of it. My next point will be so cogent that even Nuisance Moose will be able to understand it. Specifically, if Nuisance Moose gets its way, none of us will be able to deal with it appropriately. Therefore, we must not let Nuisance Moose scupper my initiative to fix our sights on eternity.

The facts as I see them simply do not support the false but widely accepted notion that laws are meant to be broken. A study of predatory fiends indicates broad political and ideological agreement on the use of force combined with a set of simple tactics to achieve their immediate goal: to force us to experience the full spectrum of the Nuisance Moose Rainbow of Ungulatism. Please let me explain that we must raise stinking, hooved duffers out of their cultural misery and lead them to the national community as a valuable, united factor. Our children depend on that. Given Nuisance Moose's propensity for repression in the service of paradigmatic integrity, it is little wonder that it's easy enough to hate Nuisance Moose any day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some very specific things that Nuisance Moose is up to, things that ought to make a real Nuisance Moose-hater out of you. First off, I have to laugh when it says that it is a champion of brush-browsing and individual expression. Where in the world did it get that idea? Not only does that idea contain absolutely no substance whatsoever, but it sees no reason why it shouldn't lead us into an age of shoddiness—shoddy goods, shoddy services, shoddy morals, and shoddy unkempt moose. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that Nuisance Moose and its hangers-on are a bunch of calumniators. As you know, calumniators are sandbaggers; sandbaggers are prevaricators; prevaricators are plotters; and plotters all want to wage a clandestine guerilla war against many basic human rights. The point is that while Nuisance Moose has been beating the drums of desperadoism, I've been trying to challenge rather than accommodate the mainstream's presuppositions. In doing so, I've learned that it will probably respond to this letter just like it responds to all criticism. It will put me down as "fatuitous" or "immoral". That's its standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about it except the most fawning praise. As a closing statement, let me emphasize that we have no choice but to criticize Nuisance Moose's complicity in the widespread establishment of cynicism. The time to act is now.

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My complaint about Nuisance Moose | 6 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 23 2014 @ 04:51 PM AKST
What is a "Frozen Pasty?"
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Anonymous on Thursday, January 23 2014 @ 04:58 PM AKST
Haha OMG I laughed so hard my kids thought I was crying! More liek this please!?! I'm facebooking this to everyone!!!!! This is what I needed.!
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Stimper2047 on Thursday, January 23 2014 @ 05:47 PM AKST
That can't be good for the paint? And was that one moose or a herd or whatever a collective is called?
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Stimper2047 on Thursday, January 23 2014 @ 05:50 PM AKST
nmv i see its a joke, right? moose don't really lick your cars.
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Emily Acker on Thursday, January 23 2014 @ 06:30 PM AKST
"Nuisance Moose's" i'm laughing so hard right not I think I peed a little. What's up with them anyway? I'm so totatally telling everyone about this.Oh my belly hurts!!1!11
My complaint about Nuisance Moose
Authored by: Kb on Sunday, January 18 2015 @ 11:45 AM AKST
Haha! Oh that was rich, my belly aches I laughed so hard. My car got "moose-licked". There were like 4 or 5 of them licking my car and I had to call in late! I took a pic to prove it to my boss, I should have attached it here.