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Sunday, November 19 2017 @ 06:59 AM AKST

Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings

Satire/HumorGood news for residents of the far north and beyond: Scientists at a prestigious university have discovered a number of health benefits from the lowly moose poop, including a cure for ageing. One simply needs to make it into a facial cream.

It may also be good for your skin while gardening. Jeff Lowenfels, noted gardener writes: "The best analysis of moose droppings I could find was done by the Co-operative Extension Service. It found that moose droppings are 74 percent moisture (could fool me!) and have an NPK of 2.5 percent N, 1.8 percent P and 1.2 percent K, along 1.2 percent zinc, 1.6 percent calcium and 0.7 percent magnesium.Clearly it is nutritious for the environment, and the rough texture will help in exfoliation, but there's more:

Moose get minerals from your car, which you get from the road.

Some background: The moose (North America), Alces alces, (sounds so nice we say it twice) is the largest extant species in the deer family. That means it's a big ol badass. Moose are distinguished by the palmate antlers of the males; other members (like reindeer) of the family have antlers with a dendritic ("twig-like") configuration. But we're not talking about caribou poop. Moose typically inhabit boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates, and often have been found relaxing in a trappers cabin or cooling in a tub. Moose used to have a much wider range but hunting and other human activities greatly reduced it over the years. This has made it easier for moose to find a hookup. Moose have been reintroduced to some of their former habitats, and the bears and wolves thank them. Currently, most moose are found in Canada, Alaska, Scandinavia and Russia, or on TV. Their diet consists of both terrestrial and aquatic vegetation, as well as carrots, cabbage, and other plants their humans grow for them.

The most common moose predators are wolves, bears, and humans. Unlike most other deer species, moose are lonely, surly, solitary animals and do not form herds except when the berries are ripe and they form crazed raves. Or during other parties, moose love cookies. This is the best time for a roundup, but some local laws prohibit this when moose are drunk. Check your local regulations. Although generally slow-moving and sedentary, moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly quickly if angered or startled, while drunk or on a day ending with a "y". They also wait until your vehicle is close before darting across the road. These are "Kamikaze Moose", causing over a billion dollars worth of damage in Alaska every year. However they know that their sacrifice will go to some roadkill charity, and people shall feast upon their sacrifice. The Ravens and other animals also party, but it's a bad idea to hit a moose or caribou just to feed others.

Thank you Moose.

Their mating season in the autumn can lead to spectacular fights between males competing for a female, often with fireworks displays (Moose can't light candles). The males can be distinguished from the females because the females either have small soft, fur-covered antlers or none at all. This indicates a very friendly female, and you can ride these. Just hop on and use your legs to steer. That's why cattle are called "steers", because you just hop on one and steer it by the horns/antlers. If they seem skittish offer them a carrot and speak softly. It helps to bring a rabbit.

Coprophagia /kɒp.rə.ˈfeɪ.dʒi.ə/ or coprophagy /kəˈprɒfədʒiː/ is the consumption of feces. There are few animals that feast upon moose nuggets. You should probably not put a moose nugget in your mouth, no matter what you see on youtube. Beavers eat their own poop because it is not digested the first time. I only added this because of the association of Rocky, but this is not aboot squirrel poop.

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[Ed-this was supposed to be posted April 1st]

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Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings | 8 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: Steven on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 06:51 PM AKDT
I thought this was serious
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: Big Lake Resident on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 06:54 PM AKDT
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!! Seriously??
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: Big Lake Resident on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 06:57 PM AKDT
It reads legitimate for a while ! Great stuff! And love the pic.
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: Anonymous on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 07:23 PM AKDT
ok so whats the formula?
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: Anonymous on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 10:00 PM AKDT
I think that's part 2.
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: DG on Tuesday, March 31 2015 @ 09:43 PM AKDT
Meant as an aprils fool joke. Don't sue me if you tried to ride a moose.
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: novice gardener on Wednesday, April 01 2015 @ 11:59 AM AKDT
I read this last night and for a minute I thought we'd lost dg to the JD love it!
Scientists find health benefits in moose droppings
Authored by: DG on Wednesday, April 01 2015 @ 01:42 PM AKDT
Haha, no. I had been celebrating and wrote this, then forgot to set the publish date to the 1st.

April Fooled myself.